His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
