my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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