you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
