My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
