The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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