i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I want to be your penis for a week.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
