I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
