Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
