Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You pole danced in your parka.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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