I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
