3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
