I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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