Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
