I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
