I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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