just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
