Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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