connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
