Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
