It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
