The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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