Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
