she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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