That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
