Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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