Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
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