My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
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