for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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