If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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