when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
