You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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