4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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