when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
