This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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