After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
