Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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