in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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