Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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