Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
