Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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