Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
