3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
