No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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