A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
