I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
i believe in u and ur pee
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
