last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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