just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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