I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I got inside last night via doggy door
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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