Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
