btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
